I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
