Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
