I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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