so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
