just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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