last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
