just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
