He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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