Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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