is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
