Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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