I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize