I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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