Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
