How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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