Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
