tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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