So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
