You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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