I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
