i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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