i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
