discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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