you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
