Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
