I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
