Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
