I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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