DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
