Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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