hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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