ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
