did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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