Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize