look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
