my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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