Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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