I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
