your room smells of hookers.
And success
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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