i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
