i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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