between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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