Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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