new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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