Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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