She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
