i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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