Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
