he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Randomize
