Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
