Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
