Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
