Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
