This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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