I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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