I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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