Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
